20.12.2025

On December 2022, after a wild and traumatic breakup, I have started to identify as an Asexual.
This label is one of the most complicated ones in the LGBTQ+ community - I rarely (if ever) see it not misrepresented online as simply "not liking sex".
I am writing this short essay to share my conflicting relationship with the identity and where it meets me today.

I have identified as Ace for 3 years now, and during that time, I've been in varying sexual and romantic relationships with people, it has given me time and experience to better understand what this label means for me.
The biggest understanding I've achieved was that I most likely can't "warm up" to someone, either I immediately feel that strong passion, or I don't.
Maybe this will change in the future but for now it mostly feel that I'm all over someone, or kinda just agree to do whatever is wanted of me, which leads me to one of my biggest problems in recent years - feeling like a fucked up sex doll.

I have started taking Estrogen on May 1st, 2022, and for a while I've mostly focused on passing or feeling bad if I don't.
I've gotten catcalled, sexually harassed, abused, both by trans people and cis men.
I have had so many sexual encounters I didn't rly want, while being romantically neglected, it made me feel that people rly only want me for my body, and getting constant compliments from SO MANY different sources while staying so alone, was so hard.

This part of my life left me feeling very femcel-y.
I have always been a hermit and very introverted, but being abused sexually and emotionally for so long by so many people made me believe I will never be loved and be able to love like I truly want to.

The most frustrating part in all of this is being so lonely while my entire ecosystem consistently praise me.
"Whoever you will date is gonna be so lucky"
"You're the most caring and empathic person I know"
"God that body of urs..."

From the sidelines, this might just look like I am patting myself on the back, but how am I supposed to be happy getting all of these compliments while it feels that it all amount to nothing?
Why should it matter to me if I am "hot" or "kind" if I can't share romantically with someone else?

As a closing remark, I would like to also note how weary people are if you tell them you're ace - almost always it makes people back off, thinking you're completely uninterested in anything sexual, and I get that, but it is just plain false, and due to that I've started keeping this label to myself, and only tell it to people I've grown closer to.

I do want to touch. I do want to get touched.
I want to fuck. I want to bite.
I want to moan a pretty girl's name.
I want to look into her eyes, exaustingly whisper "I love you", and see her face light up.

Are people to afraid to let me love them?